so do you know those “it can’t go on like that!”-days? i’m pretty sure everyone of you does. those are the kind of days, where you sit there with your laptop (which has a molten bottomcase for some stupid incident involving your kitchen stove with non standard button arrangement, a cat gone mad, a blocked toilet and a nervous breakdown - don’t ask), looking for job offers that might fit in with your stupid curriculum, can’t find any and then decide to go take a shower because that’s the place where no one would notice the tears. (okay, i’m being a little bit theatralic right now)
well, i’m currently having a week of those sad, pathetic little days. it just feels like i am 15 again, except that unlike now, the stuff i was upset about was really of a more ridiculous kind, like, you know, sometimes teenagers are just sad for the sake of sadness. or because kurt cobain died (isn’t it funny how teenagers can still get upset about that stupid man?). well, i never cared about kurt cobain. so, the reason for my current distress is a pretty embarassing one: not having enough money. i’m a student, i’m used to this. but somehow, it’s getting more and more annoying. don’t get me wrong, my parents give me a decent amount of money. i don’t even do a lot of expensive stuff anymore, but somehow, my money magically disappears. and then, starting at the middle of the month, i’m having those moments when i don’t even dare to look into my (versace-) wallet (oh how ironic!) to check how much is left.
usually i don’t care that much but on “it can’t go on like that!”-days i do. this is because on those days i realize that i have four more years to go on like that. FOUR FUCKING YEARS! and even after that i’m not so sure about whether it is going to change.
but i need it to change because i need to LIVE. what’s bothering is not that i have to think and calculate for DAYS before i finally buy a little designerpiece to spoil myself a little. when i do that i don’t really consider myself moneytroubled. what’s the real pain in the ass is, that sometimes i have to do the same thing when i am grocery shopping. hor ridiculous is that?
studying medicine and working does not really match because you have to study hard and the time table changes randomly. my only hope right now is to get a job as an assistant to a doctor and i’m kinda working on getting such a job.
hopefully then i will be able to kick 15 year old me’s ass and get over those stupid “it can’t go on like that!”-days. because the worst thing about them is probably that now that i am not 15 anymore, i realize how embarassing those tiny little depressions are.